Sung to the tune of "My Little Demon" by Fleetwood Mac
My little black hole was sucking all the joy and life from me - not because it is evil, mean, hateful or vindictive, but simply because he exists and that's what black holes do, they suck things into them - anything that comes within its pull gets sucked in.
I'm not sure why my joy and magic was in its pull, and other parts of me were not. Actually, I'm not exactly sure what all is in him, that's what I'm willing to discover. but when I learned of his existence, and learned that all he wants is to be "invited to the party" (his words, not mine), I felt that he was hogging all of my joy out of resentment that he wasn't being seen or invited to the fun. I can relate to that feeling - not wanting anyone else to have fun if something is amiss in my world. Poor guy. I have the sense that it's not really in his control. When he gets sad, the black hole vacuum gets turned on and anything in his midst gets sucked in. And I guess my happiness would trigger his sadness, so that's why it would be in his midst when the vacuum turned on.
He was so sad when I found him, so sad to always feel left out, always shunned as "bad", as a "Debbie downer", when that's not who he truly is. What does a black hole have to offer? I know he has value in my world. After meeting him, I have come to love him. Maybe he was protecting the precious parts of me that also felt they didn't have space to be seen when life got busy and fully of responsibility. Maybe all of my missing soul parts fled into him because that was a safe place to hunker down. Maybe my fairy world of soul parts, which I discovered in journey, exists in my little black hole.
I don't know, but I am now aware of this part of me and am curious about him and I desire to know him and understand him.
I found him during a bodywork session, when I realized that a very specific part of my back - the right, mid-back region - had no sensation. In hindsight, I can say that it felt like a physical black hole in my body. I could literally feel around the perimeter, but as my friend moved into that place, I could not feel her touch. I couldn't even feel the pressure of her touch. I knew she was there, by deduction, but my physical body was not registering the sensation. Very strange! When I encounter that, it tells me that that part of my body is "offline". For whatever reason, it is not communicating with the rest of my body, my brain or my nervous system. I knew, from feedback, that this part of my body was very tight, and was probably causing the discomfort and pulling I was feeling on the opposite side of my back. But I couldn't feel it. I , of course, become intrigued when I discover an offline part of my body. I want to understand why it went offline, what lives in there, what emotions or experiences are hunkering down, and what does it need to come back online.
Fortunately, I was working with a friend who was willing to go there with me. Willing to help me wake him up and move him around and shine the light of awareness on him. She helped me realize he is a black hole, not a glob of tar or a balloon, or a rubber ball, but a black hole. In somatic bodywork, the texture of something we come in touch with has a lot of meaning, so it was very exciting to discover that he's a black hole. And that's also where the conversation begins, and the presence The first, most beneficial step to shifting something in our body is to be present with it. Presence goes a long way to communicating that one is seen and that we have compassion and want to understand another's journey. This goes for people as much as for energy held in our body.
Presence - being willing to see something for what it is, without judgement.
Don't we all long for that from the world around us?
My journey with my little black hole continues. I know he has loads to show me and teach me and reveal to me. I do feel that the part of my body where he was living has come back online, which is a blessing, because now maybe the tension can shift. The rest of the journey is one of mind, heart and spirit - revealing what lives within the parts of us that we don't know are there, how are those parts affecting us in our lives and what do they need to be integrated into who we truly or, or maybe released because they no longer serve us. That is what I hope to learn from my little black hole.